Resentment. It is a nasty word that plagues so many of us. Sometimes it is over little things that mean nothing, and other times it is over major things in our lives that can make things detrimental. I can truly say that the fact that I am even feeling any resentment right now angers me beyond words.

My sons are toddlers. My oldest is 3 and my youngest is 2.5. They are both on the Autism Spectrum. My oldest is moderately Autistic and my youngest is severely. Why am I bringing this up? Because this is the foundation of some of my feelings.

Let me start off by saying that I feel like the worst person and parent in the world for what I am about to talk about. There is so much guilt that is festering with me about talking about it. But one thing that I am trying to do is talk about my feelings and stop burying them, because for all I know someone else out there is feeling the same thing and needs to know that they are not alone.

There are some mornings, (okay most mornings), that I resent the fact that my kids get me up anytime between 4am-5am. I put them down late I try and put them down early and they still get up at that time every morning. They even talk melatonin at night because they still do not sleep through the night. So not only do they not sleep through the night but they like to get up extremely early. I have learned that that is my reality and something that I need to accept, but it is still hard. Especially since I also work a full time job, and my husband works a full time job at night. My kids are toddlers and yet I just feel so tired and beaten down by this every day process.

I also resent the fact that at 4 am when they are awake I have to try to keep them as quiet as possible because we live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building. I am sure that our neighbors hate us for how loud the kids are during the day, let alone that early in the morning, or again the fact that they do not sleep through the night and cry throughout it. I REALLY resent the fact that I even have to worry about what the neighbors think of us because they don’t understand what my life is like.

Most of all though, I resent myself. I resent myself for having these feelings. For wishing that my kids would sleep in so that I could get some sleep. For wishing that I didn’t have to worry about what people thought about my family. I resent myself for not being happy that I have a home to live in, kids that are healthy and happy, a job to work at and food on the table. I also resent the fact that I have two special needs kids and trying to get people to understand how my days go and how tough it can be is like talking to a brick wall. If people truly understood and cared then they would give me a break. They would know that I am trying my best, that most days I feel so incredibly inadequate.

I hate having so much resentment inside of me. It can truly be really damaging. So I know I just verbally vomited everything and it may not make sense, but I had to get it out of me. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully my perspective will be different when I get up with my kids so early, but for today, it just isn’t there. And that is okay.